Reason Number Seven why I am Having an Affair

The number seven reason that I am having an hot, no-strings-attached affair is that there is no such thing as a lover-in-law.  I assume that my lover didn't spring from the ground, fully formed.  But thank God that I will never know for sure.  I'll never meet his parents, his siblings, his cousin in New York...

Every married person knows the trouble with the in-laws.  And for some strange cultural reason that is inexplicable to me, after you marry your husband's relationship with his parents is now suddenly your problem.  You'd better make sure you invite them to the every conceivable thing under the sun.  Remember his mother's birthday; your husband won't.  Someone has to take them to the airport.  

And, boy oh boy, does your mother in-law have some wisdom that she needs to share with you.  Like for instance, did you know that picking the baby up every time he cries will turn him into a serial killer?  And that yellow is not your color.  And your husband is perfect in every way.

But one of the best things about a lover is that, chances are, he's avoiding the possibility of you ever meeting his parents.  If his mom's in town for the weekend, he'll just call you on Monday.

The number seven reason why I am having an affair is that there is no such thing as a lover-in-law.

Reason Number Six why I an having an Affair

The number six reason why I am having an affair is because my husband is soooo tired.  Yes, the poor man is exhausted.  You'd almost think that he hadn't slept eight straight hours since his children were born.  Or that he got up at five every day, got the boys ready and fed and all packed up, drove them to their respective day arrangements, went into work by seven, worked until five at a high stress, high pressure large corporation, picked his young children up on the way home, fed them, entertained him, walked his dogs, made his family dinner, did laundry, checked emails, cleaned up after his spouse, paid all the bills, and maintained all the relationships necessary for life then slept for five hours only to repeat it all the next day.  Yes, that man deserves a nap.

The number six reason why I am having an affair is because my husband really needs a break. 

Reason Number Five why I am Having an Affair

The fifth reason that I am having an affair is because I know exactly what I want.  I'm not the type to walk around a store waiting for something to jump out at me and scream, "you can't possibly go another day without owning me."  I go in with a purpose, with an exact item in mind.  And I find it.

When my marriage started to loose its luster, I decided that I would not be losing mine.  My relationship with my husband isn't sexy, but I still am.  And my mind kept going back to a guy that I dated in college.  He had shoulder length, black, shiny hair and a dreamy Spanish accent.  When I checked my closet there was no sexy Spaniard to be found.  So I went out and got one.

I found him online, the same way I shop for most things.  He had excellent reviews.  The rest is in my letter to Penthouse.

The number five reason that I am having an affair is because I get exactly what I want.

Reason Number Four why I am Having an Affair

I am having an affair because it is more relaxing than an entire day of spa treatments.  One hour with my lover is leaves me feeling more refreshed than a whole day of mani, pedi, facial, massage.

If I am able to sneak out of the office for a couple of hours to go to my lover's apartment, I leave feeling better than any day of pampering could possibly muster.  I can walk into his home, slip off my heels, pour a glass of wine and prepare to be gratified.  My muscles feel like deep tissue massage.  My skin feels fresh and young.  My tousled hair leaves me feeling care free.

If I'm lucky enough to have some extra time, I sneak in a shower.  An uninterrupted hot, steamy shower.  No one comes in to ask about dinner or homework.  There's no baby crying as I rinse my head.  Just the sounds of water pouring over my skin and the smell of men's soap.

I'm having an affair because its more relaxing than an entire day at the spa, and for me, that's a damn good reason to have an affair.

The Third Reason that I am Having an Affair

The number three reason that I am having an affair is because I would like someone to buy me a drink.  Actually buy the drink, not with funds from our joint checking account.  And I will order a top shelf martini.

Being married and having an affair has taught me a lot about appreciating the small gestures that were of so little consequence to me when I was single.   An ungrateful spouse has taught me to appreciate the gratitude that my lover displays.  Every sip of that top shelf martini leaves me feeling a little more appreciated than a did before it passed through my lips.

I like to sit at the bar with the man who is not my husband.  We frequent a place out of the way of the scrutiny of my neighbors.  I sit there, still dressed for work, vodka cocktail in my hand, and savor the pure bliss for just a moment before I return to the gray-tinged chaos that is the rest of my life.

The third reason for my affair is an icy cold, vodka and olive moment of serenity.

The Number Two Reason That I am Having an Affair

Another of the top reasons that I am having an affair is an issue in a lot of marriages.  I am having an affair because of my spouse's internet activity.

My husband googles his old girlfriends.  He also watches lots and lots and lots of porn.  He has seen every add for a casual encounters on craigslist.  When he's done with all that, he reads the dumbest effing blogs in the world.

I understand that everyone googles their ex.  All men watch porn.  We've all browsed the ads on craigslist out of some sort of voyeur instinct.   Its that he does all of these while sitting in his boxers on the couch while I cook, clean, and otherwise do most of the work.  I feel entitled to some time for myself.  So I have a sexy lover.

I'm having an affair because my husband isn't smart enough to delete his browsing history.

The Number One Reason that I am Having an Affair

The number one reason that I am having an affair is (drumroll please) the mortgage. Divorce is not an option for me. Primarily because marriage allows my family a lifestyle to which we have become accustomed. Despite being the primary earner in my marriage, I am having an affair because a divorce would mean a new neighborhood, new schools, smaller place, no big yard for my dogs.

Despite my unhappy marriage, I chose to keep my family pseudo-together. But I don't think that an unhappy marriage should doom me to sexless existence. So I'm having an affair. A hot, steamy, primarily on my lunch break affair. No drama, no shared bills, no petty arguments, just some time for me to refresh and do what makes me feel good.

My marriage is not what it ought to be, but it is what it is. That's why I'm having an affair.